So I went through the phase where I really did not feel much emotion expect for being overwhelmed. Well, now I am still overwhelmed, but feeling all sorts of emotion. I am probably going to blab about alot of stuff, but I need to get it all out.
I came with the confident, a little to prideful, attitude that I definately need to be in Africa. I was dying to get there. Well, thats not quite what I am dying and longing for. What I am dying and longing for is eternity. Scripture says so. He has set eternity in my heart. And I have come to the simple realization again that only God can save this world. It is only by His power and strength that the slight progress has happened in Africa. While it is so easy to get caught up in all the horrible problems going on here, God is still moving. But right now, I feel swallowed by the problems. I feel like I am in a room of dying people all crying out for help and I can't save them. And I really can't save them. Only God can. He doesn't need my help. So right now, I feel like I need to back out of the room and ask God which dying person to help first. Thankfully, by the Lord's strength, He has equipped me with one thing. And that is the ability to talk about a saving grace. And give the hope that one day, our Savior will come riding on a white horse to get us. I may never be able to get them about of the slums or heal their wounds or give them money, but if they know Jesus intimately, one day there will be no more slum, no more disease, no more death, no more money as the god of this world, no more hunger, no more strife. So all I can say and pray for and cry out is for Jesus to save them, because I can't.
After I grasp this, I am overwhelmed with how incredibly blessed I am. As I was having my quite time the other morning, I realized it. Yeah, I have always thought I have been blessed. But, really, truly, I am blessed beyond understanding. I look at these people and I am no better than them. Thanks to dear sufjan, he reminded me, that "in my best behavior, i am really just like them." (side note: sufjan is wonderful. pretty much all of his songs relate to jesus and make you think lots and lots) I find myself asking what did I ever do to deserve everything I have. I have a wonderful family, I go to an amazing school, I have wonderful friends, I have money, I have a job, I have a car, I have have have have. And then more than that, I live in a country where the government provides education, health care, protection. I don't have to walk around seeing military and police with ak-47s in their hand with the finger on the trigger like they are going to need to shoot something. I grew up being valued as a youth and told I can reach my dreams instead of going home to not find my parents and wondering around to then only fall in a latrine where I would have died if some hadn't of found me. I have resources where I can research the world and find out the facts for myself instead of being told lie after lie. I have the freedom of being a single woman without assumptions being tossed at me. And then as I sat there, I simple realized that I am blessed to have a bible to read and study, a journal to write down my thoughts and prayers, an iPod to listen to music on, encouraging notes and prayers from people who care about me. I am so blessed with all of this, but does it really matter. Do I really have Jesus?
Serving the Lord is not always doing and going. Its sitting with Him and asking and knowing Him. We do not owe Him any favors. We are not in charge of where we go. He is. So it is deciding to let go of all the stuff and blessing and thank God when they are there and when they are not there. The biggest blessing is that Jesus saved this world and is coming again. He is bigger than the mess we have made. He changes lives. So let take our hands away and let Him do that. Lets be someone who can be navigated and who responds to the hand of God. Lets live eternity starting now.
So all of that to say that I had a very American day. We took the last two days off because I have been sick again and we truly haven't had days of rest while we have been here. So today we went to this shopping center and shopped a little and went to see a movie. I had a latte, ate a hot dog, popcorn, and a snickers, and we saw Ocean’s 13. So it was a fun day and yesterday, we took it pretty easy and rested at the guest house most of the day. I am so anxious to get home because I want to begin to pray and sift through where the Lord wants me. I am just to the point that I have really done what I can do here and I have learned things that I want to start living out. So please pray that I am patient this next week and really am open to what the Lord has in store. I also am so antsy to see the rest of Africa. I have heard so much about other places and want to see and study how these people live. Thanks so much for your love and prayers.
Peace and love.